What I've learned since I stopped drinking.

About six months ago, I woke up after three hours of sleep with a rolling stomach, a screaming headache, and the world sloshing around in front of me. I grabbed the dog and took him for a walk, hoping the morning air would revive me. Since I'm a victim of alcohol related early morning insomnia, the world was just waking up, and I was a part of it for once. I ran into bikers, runners, walkers (not of the undead sort) and even a group of teenagers playing basketball. They looked happy and healthy while I slowly moseyed along, trying not to throw up, squinting into the sun behind my sunglasses hiding last night's makeup.

I didn't have a firm grasp of the previous night, though I distinctly remember that it involved multiple glasses of wine starting at dinner, then more when we joined friends in a bar (at which some guy left an event shirt on my chair and I stole it), then leaving said bar at closing time and stumbling to another friend's apartment in an attempt to wake them up so they would come out and drink. They weren't amused. As I grew more stable and felt less like I was hanging over the edge of puke-ville, I realized I should send some apology texts, but no one was awake yet. I would love to have a morning when I woke up early to run the dog, then called my friends later and listen to their hungover moaning, and not be able to stay, 'oh yeah, me too, I've got a brutal headache.'

The boyfriend of five years who had dumped me right before the start of my senior year of college was still gone. I'd managed to graduate college with a great GPA, great friends, and a job I loved, but I was still drinking to make my life fun and exciting without him. The night was better when I drank. I laughed more. I was funnier. It was easier to meet guys and make friends. I slept better.

Once I stopped drinking, I realized none of these things were true. Here are so more that I learned:

1. The little bar I'm in will not get a better crowd as the night goes on. It's still me, my friend, and the traveling mariachi band of middle aged men.
2. The jokes I'm telling aren't funny.
3. I'm talking to a guy I would never talk to sober, while the right guy stands directly behind me.
4. I'm intelligent but no one would be able to guess that with the crap I'm slurring about.
5. The person I'm texting isn't interested in coming out to the bar at 1am. Sending 9000 texts in a row isn't going to help.
6. 2am is late enough to go home. There's no need to go searching for another place to party. Yes, everyone has had more than enough to drink.
7. I don't know why I was admiring the middle aged bartender who says she drinks two bottles of wine every night.
8. I have significantly more cash.
9. My hair looks better when I'm not drunkenly smooshing it around.
10. I shed fat like it's my job. Also, my skin looks great.
11. I never fall in my stilettos sober, so apparently the shoes are not to blame.
12. 'You're not drinking? Why not?!' is only said one or two times. Then everyone gets bored with it and happy to have a DD. Also, no one knows that my glass of diet coke has no alcohol in it.
13. The serious thing my friend is telling me seems important without the hazy numbness of three margaritas. I can listen and comfort. I can ignore the stupid shit she's spewing about how all men are secretly great great great grandsons of the devil.
14. I know if I'm actually connecting with a guy, not just mutually agreeing to makeout in a drunken blur.
15. You get far more shit done the next day without a hangover, even if it's just fun stuff like going out to breakfast.
16. You know what it looks like outside before noon.
17. You will bond with the wingman while your loud, drunk friend hooks up with his loud drunk friend. The wingman is almost always the better choice of the two. You will sit in the corner and discuss your favorite books. Your friend will dance on the table.
18. You have to find better things to do with your time. Sure, that seems challenging at first, but now that I am no longer buzzed from 8 till bedtime, I can organize my closet, find a new favorite TV show, hit the gym, play with the dog, write a novel in all my spare time.
19. When your sole focus isn't finding a bar or going to the liquor store, your friends and you need to find new things to do. You can end up learning to rock climb, make pottery, find the best cupcake bakery in the city, or go running at midnight.
20. With the mask of alcohol lifted, you notice who your real friends are, who you truly have fun with, and who you want to spend your sober time with.